I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
