Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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