I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
