TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I didn't notice because vodka
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Randomize
