When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
