We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
