I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
