I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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