Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
