i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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