i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
