When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
