Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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