Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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