Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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