Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
