He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize