were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
