you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
