I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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