One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
