accomplished twins. life is a go
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize