the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
