then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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