Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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