We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
