u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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