yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
