good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize