this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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