I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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