I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize