i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize