called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
