shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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