If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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