I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
