I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
