while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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