He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
