Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
