I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize