Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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