she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
