We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
