I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize