Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
