Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
