He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
