the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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