im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
