Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
