angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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