one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
