You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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