Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
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