i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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