if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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