What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
