Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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