Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Mom said you looked used
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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